Jack, I Have a Feeling We're Not in Kansas Anymore
by piperswings
Summary: This is a crossover of Jack & the Beansalk, The Wizard of Oz MGM's movie version, and Wicked. I use most of the main characters from all three stories, though I own the rights to none of them. Rated because of language.
1. Chapter 1

Jack Ingles woke that morning to the pain-filled bellows of the family cow. He dragged himself out of bed, and pulled on his dirty brown boots and a filthy tunic.

"Jack!" his mother screeched in a voice that sounded like fingernails on a black board. "This damn cow won't give any milk! She's useless!"

"She works well as a rooster though!" he hollered back.

"Very funny. I'm sick of this crap every morning, take her to the market!"

"Do I get breakfast first?"

"No, you don't eat 'til you sell the damn cow!"

"Urghh," he sighed in disgust.

He stomped pointedly across the room and down the stairs. Slamming the front door behind himself, he strode up to the cow and grabbed the rope around her neck.

"Fine, I'll sell the stupid cow," he grumbled and started to walk away.

Thunk Jack fell over backwards when the cow didn't move.

"Come on, you stupid cow," he snapped, yanking the rope.

"Moooo." The cow didn't move.

"Come on!" he growled, yanking again.

The cow stared at him curiously for a moment, then bent down and began to nibble on the barest bits of grass in the dirt yard in front of Jack's house.

"MOVE DAMN IT!"

No longer able to control his anger, Jack jerked the cows head up and grabbed the nearest blunt object. He smashed it into the cow's side, his reward only a solemn look. Jack hung his head and sighed in defeat. After a moment, without warning, the cow charged into him.

"Holy cow!" he screamed, yes _screamed_ all high pitched and girly like, and jumped out of the way.

At this point the cow began to run in circles, and continued to do so for the next 90 minutes. You must understand that by this time, Jack was very tired and very hungry. When the cow finally stopped its madness, it began to trot toward the road. Jack barely managed to stumble after her. After walking for a mile or so, Jack came upon the town. Ironically, the cow began to trot toward the butcher's. Jack stumbled after her and grabbed the collar, dragging her towards the town animal barn.

As he approached, a young girl in a blue and white checkered dress cam sprinting out of the barn with a small dog in her arms. The owner's wife followed, screeching after them.

"If that dog ever comes near me or my barn again, I'll take him to the police1" Mrs. Gulch screamed after Dorothy.

"I'm really sorry Mrs. Gulch, Toto really didn't…"

"I don't care about your excuses. I never want to see you again!" The old woman screamed chucking a bucket after the girl.

Dorothy dodged the flying bucket and turned to run. A handsome boy with his cow caught her eye.

"Oooh, he's cute," she though.

As another bucket hurtled through the air, Dorothy heard Mrs. Gulch ask "Jack" what he wanted.

"So that's his name," she smiled and ran home.

"Dude, who was that hottie?" Jack thought to himself as the girl ran towards a random well-placed farmhouse.

"Jack!" Mrs. Gulch snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Whatever do you want for heaven's sake?"

"That's a stupid question," Jack replied. "I've got a cow, I'm at the animal barn, what do you think I want?"

"Don't you get smart with me, young man," Mrs. Gulch sneered. "I've got half a mind…"

"I know."

"Fine, if you aren't in need of my services then I'll just leave you and your cow to your business." She turned on her heel and…tripped over her dress hem. Her skirt flew up and her under things were exposed to the passerby.

Jack slapped his knee and laughed uproariously at her plight until she slammed the door in his face.

"Well great, now what am I going to do with you?" he turned to the cow. "I guess I'll just take ya home and kill ya."

"Mooo," the cow nodded eagerly.

"Let's go then," he sighed and began to lead her away.

As they moseyed down the road, and old man hobbled up to them.

"What a fine cow you have," he said to Jack.

"The better to trample you with my dear."

"Heh heh heh," the old geezer wheezed. "You're a sharp boy. What are you doing with your cow out so late in the morning?"

"I tried to sell the stupid thing, but the lady at the animal barn was PMSing."

"I know what that's like, but tell you what," the old man grinned slyly. "I'll buy your cow for 5 magic beans."

"Magic beans?" Jack laughed. "What do you take me for, an idiot?"

"Oh, I know you're an idiot. I just want to see if you have the guts to sell me a cow for magic beans. Only a coward would miss this opportunity."

"I am not a coward!" Jack whined. "Let's do it. I'll take you up old man."

The man's beady eyes shined as he took the cow's rope and handed Jack the beans and a pouch to keep them in.

"Nice doing business with you young man," he cackled shaking Jack's hand.

"Yeah…whatever," Jack replied slightly creeped out. "Later old man."

Jack sauntered home with the magic beans in his pocket. He was unsure as to how his mother would react. Secretly, he hoped she would be proud of his superior intellect. After all, he was hungry.

"Did you sell the cow?" his mother asked suspiciously looking around as Jack entered the kitchen.

"Yeah, Mom. Can I eat now?"

"Well? How much did you get for her?"

"I traded her for some magic beans."

"What?" she walked over and stared at him, dumbfounded.

"We can plant them and we'll never be hungry again I'll bet."

"You…you…IDIOT!" she began to hit him with the rag she was holding. "You sold our cow for magic beans?"

She ranted as Jack stood, blushing and holding his beans. In her rage she snatched the beans and chucked them through the window.

"That's what I think of your stinking magic beans!" She screamed. "Go to your room."

Jack slunk off to his room. He sat on his bed and sulked as outside his room, a strange piece of vegetation sprouted and reached towards the sky.

"Auntie Em! Auntie Em!" Dorothy called, running towards the woman. "Oh, Auntie Em, you wouldn't believe what that mean old Mrs. Gulch did to Toto."

"Not now Dorothy," her Uncle Henry reprimanded. "The incubator done gone and broke itself and the chicks is gonna freeze to death if we don't hurry."

"Oh, the poor babies," Dorothy hugged a chick to her chest. "But Uncle Henry, Aunt Em, Mrs. Gulch really was horrible."

"Dorothy, don't bother us right now," Aunt Em growled. "There are more important things."

Dorothy ran away before they could see her tears. As she came around to the front yard, Mrs. Gulch walked through the gate.

"No! You can't have Toto!" Dorothy cried, hugging her dog.

"I don't want your bloody dog, you stupid girl, but my nephew would like to meet him. He likes to make bread from the bones of animals that hurt me."

"NO!" Dorothy shoved past the wicked woman of the West Animal Barn.

Dorothy sprinted to the town and down Drury Lane and didn't look back.

"JACK!"

"Hubba-whatta?" Jack fell out of bed landing sharply on his knees.

"JACK, GET YOUR BLOODY ARSE DOWN HERE NOW!" Why wouldn't his mother shut up?

"Coming."

Not really paying attention to his surroundings, Jack headed for the window. Still very sleepy, he fell out of the window and the only thing that kept him from falling two stories was a large beanstalk leaf. Finally waking up, Jack realized that he was no longer in his bed. Looking around, he slid off the leaf, and fell the remaining 10 feet to the ground, landing on his butt.

"Err…"he groaned. "What the heck is this thing?"

"JACK!" His mother screeched in his ear.

"Good God woman!" he shouted back. "Do no shout in my ear!"

His mother reached for the nearest object. Unfortunately for Jack, it was an ax. Jumping up, Jack quickly started to climb the beanstalk in an attempt to flee from his chop-happy mother.

"Come back here, you bloody runt!"

Dorothy ran without stopping until she ran into a very strange looking man walking a cow (who for some strange reason looked familiar).

"Oh, excuse me, sir. I didn't mean to run into you and your…cow."

"Don't worry about it my dear," he smiled. "As a matter of fact, I was just looking for someone like you to help me."

"Oh, of course. What do you need help with?"

"Let me read your palm."

"…Excuse me?"

"Let me read your palm. Please?"

"Um, okay." Dorothy offered her palm to the strange little man.

He took her hand and started gazing over it intently.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Of course, don't worry my dearest," he smiled evilly.

"I think I need to go home," Dorothy started to back away, but the man's grip on her hand tightened.

"You can't leave until you give me the proper payment for the reading."

"I don't have any money, and you never read me anything."

Out of desperation, Dorothy slapped the man and started to run. As she ran, the wind kicked up and started to blow her around.

"I've got to get home soon," she thought.

Finally she made it to her house and dropped on the floor in a dead faint of pure exhaustion. As Toto licked her face in an attempt to revive her, the door slammed closed and stuck.

Jack, now halfway up the beanstalk looked out and saw a black twister coming towards him. For entertainment, he stopped to watch the twister pick up houses and chuck them into the air. As it neared him, he realized that he should start climbing, but his morbid curiosity held him in place until it was too late.

Jack clung to the beanstalk as the tornado hit. Thankfully it began to pass, but then the beanstalk became caught in the eye of the tornado. Jack was stuck watching as everything swirled around.

"Hey," his face lit up with recognition! "That's my cow."

And indeed, his cow was swirling around with the rest of the debris, and looking as content as she did when she stood in the yard eating grass. An entire house passed him, and to his surprise, the girl that he has seen outside the West Animal Barn was peering at him from the window. Absentmindedly he waved, and was thrilled when she waved back. As the house passed, Jack saw something that made his jaw drop.

"Holy cow! What's that woman doing flying on a broom? Is she a witch or something?" He stopped to ponder it, and stupidly crossed his arms.

Looking around he realized his error.

"Oh crud."

The house landed with a thud. Several feet away, Dorothy landed with another thud. Bushing herself of and grasping to what she thought was Toto, she stood up and looked around.

"Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."

"No, ya think?" Dorothy jumped

"Toto, you can talk?" she looked down to see a human arm.

"Who's Dodo?" Jack asked glaring at her.

Dorothy dropped his arm. Seeing Toto, in his other arm, she grabbed her dog and slapped Jack.

"OW! What'd you do that for?"

"That's what you get for picking on someone smaller and weaker than you. And his name is _Toto_," Dorothy looked at Jack sternly as Toto clamped his teeth around Jack's wrist.

"Would you tell your stupid dog to let go of me?" Jack whined.

"Maybe. If you asked politely."

Jack cleared his throat, "Excuse me, Miss, but would you mind calling your adorable little dog off of my wrist."

"Why certainly," Dorothy replied. "Toto, don't eat junk food."

Toto let go of Jack's wrist, and was promptly hit by Jack's other hand. Minutes later, Dorothy sat bandaging Toto's paw. Despite the fact that Jack's other wrist was now firmly clamped in Toto's jaw, Dorothy was able to bandage any harm done to her dog. Jack, with many bleeding scratch marks on his face, simply had to watch and hold his arm out to Dorothy.

"Oh, you poor dear," Dorothy cooed. "You broke a claw."

"Hey, uh, do you think I could get a band-aid?" Jack asked with sarcastic innocence.

"Well, I would hate to waste a good band-aid," Dorothy said. "You never know if we might need them."

"Disinfectant?"

"No."

"Stethoscope?"

"Nope."

"Stitches?"

"I can't sew."

"Pain killer?"

"No."

"A kiss?"

Dorothy blinked in surprise. Blushing for a moment, she collected herself and slapped him. Jack, sick of the abuse, slapped her back. Toto, wanting to get in on the action, clamped down harder on Jack's wrist and wriggled around a bit.

"OWWW!" Jack howled.

"You're…you…argh!" Dorothy threw her hands in the air and turned away.

For the first time, it occurred to Jack to look around. He turned in a slow circle. They seemed to be in a city of some sort, but no one could be seen. All the buildings looked like they had been built for children, they were so small, and everything was very bright. Where in the world were they? Jack wasn't sure if Dorothy was looking around too, but she hadn't said anything for a couple minutes.

"Maybe I should say something," he though, turning to face her. "WHAT THE…!"

In front of him stood a very tall, very blonde, very skinny lady. She leaned towards him until she was two inches from his face.

"What happened to you fair knight?" she asked, a starry look in her eyes.

"Uh…"

"Do not be afraid. I am Glinda, the good witch. Well," she smiled slyly, "at least, most of the time."

"Uh…"

"Oh, how refreshing to see a knight of few words," she sighed.

"Uh…uh…help?"

"Maybe I should apologize," Dorothy though. "Yeah, I guess I should."

She turned around to say something and found a woman in a floofy pink dress lying on top of Jack. Jack was trying to get out from under her, but Dorothy didn't notice this. Without thinking, Dorothy ran over and slugged the woman.

"Ack!" the woman screamed.

Jack rolled out from under her and stood up quickly.

"Thanks," he panted.

Dorothy blushed, embarrassed at her reaction. Then seeing Toto still attached to Jack's wrist and idea came to her.

"Well she was squishing Toto. The poor baby."

"Oh, that's all she wanted," Jack thought. "Her dog. Man, all the pain for nothing."

Glinda stomped over to him. "If you weren't available, why didn't you say something?"

Jack faced Dorothy and watched her face turn bright red. He could feel his becoming the same color.

"EW!" the both shrieked, jumping away from each other. "Me and her? No way!"

"Wait, I'm not a her," Jack objected.

"That's what you think," Dorothy replied.

"You can't fool me like that," Glinda scolded. "It's so obvious that you two are together."

Before anyone could react, Glinda was swept away by something. In her place stood a woman with a serious skin condition holding a broom.


	2. Chapter 2

"Whoa, what's wrong with your face?" Jack blurted.

"Jack, that's not very nice," Dorothy scolded. "Although it's a good question."

"She was born that way," Glinda interjected. "And she's rather sensitive about it, so I wouldn't…"

"Would you shut up you pink ninny," the woman snapped. "I can defend myself. I'm the Wicked Witch of the West!"

"Wait a minute!" Jack pointed at the Witch. "I saw you flying on a broom in the tornado!"

Dorothy was very confused. Where had the tornado taken them? Were they in Oklahoma? Aunt Em and Uncle Henry had always warned her that in Oklahoma people were very different, but she didn't realize that that had meant some of them were _green_. Were there more green people? And more disconcerting, she kept hearing a high-pitched giggling coming from somewhere. It was actually quite annoying.

As Glinda, the Wicked Witch of the West, and Jack argued about something, Dorothy turned back to her house.

"AAAHHHH!"

Jack whirled around when Dorothy screamed.

"What?"

"Look! My house squished someone!"

And Dorothy was right. Sticking out from under her porch were two legs in black and white striped stockings. Whoever Dorothy's house had squished was also wearing the weirdest looking shoes Jack had ever seen. Covered in jewels and sparkling in the sun, Jack thought whoever had made them had over done it. Who would even want to wear shoes like that? Some hungry peasant would just come and beat you up for them.

"What have you done, you filthy little brat?" The Witch shoved past Jack and ran towards the legs. "Oh what a world, oh what a world."

"I don't get it," Jack turned to Glinda.

"Well, um…that was her sister. The Wicked Witch of the East."

"Oh dang."

Dorothy wanted to faint. Or slap someone. Or slap herself. She felt horrible. Although technically it wasn't her fault that her house had dropped where it was. Really if the Witch was going to be mad at anything, she should be mad at the twister. And those shoes! They reminded Dorothy of a pair she had always admired in the windows of one of the many stores on the main streets of the big cities Uncle Henry and Aunt Em would occasionally take her to visit. She had always wanted a pair.

"I really am sorry," she approached the quivering green figure.

"Don't come near me!" the Witch screamed. "You…you…MURDERER!"

Jack felt kind of bad for Dorothy, who simply stood there sputtering. After all, she hadn't really had all that much control over where her house was falling. Before anyone could say anything more, the ground began to shake.

"Oh no," Glinda sighed. "Now you've done it."

"Is the cyclone coming back?" Dorothy looked around frantically for Toto, who was still attached to Jack's wrist. "Toto, where are you?"

"I got 'im," Jack raised his hand painfully.

"It's not a tornado. It's Will."

"Will?"

"Yes, nephew come to me!" the Witch jumped to her feet and began to shout. "Come see what this horrible little girl has done to your mother!"

"I'm coming, Auntie!"

"Good grief," Jack though, "This guy can yell as loud as my mother."

By now the ground was shaking so violently that Jack, Dorothy, and Glinda were knocked off their feet. The Witch seemed to be able to keep her balance better than the rest of them. Jack looked up to see a man running at them. The strange thing was, the closer the man got, the bigger he seemed to be. Jack figured he was just seeing things, after all, the man couldn't really be…

"Glinda," Jack looked at her nervously, "why is that guy huge?"

"He's a giant."

"Like a real one?"

"Foolish children, of course he is," the Witch cackled. "Now you'll be sorry."

Dorothy, Glinda, and Jack all huddled together as the enormous man bonded towards them eagerly. As he got closer, Jack and Dorothy realized he wasn't much older than they. About 20 feet taller, but not much older. The ground shook even more violently as he ran towards them.

"What is it, Auntie," the gigantic man bent down to the Witch.

"Look at what they've done to your Mother, Boy," she pointed.

"Mommy!"

Dorothy, Glinda, and Jack were almost deafened by the loud cry. The giant ran over to Dorothy's house and picked it up. The figure underneath was flattened in the most painful looking way. Gingerly, the giant peeled the dead woman off the ground and held her gingerly in one hand. A tear fell from his cheek soaking the three and Toto.

"I'm taking Mommy home," he sobbed and turned to run away.

"Wait, my house!" Dorothy cried.

But it was too late, the giant ran off. Holding his mother in one hand and Dorothy's house in the other. The Witch cackled as he left.

"That will teach you to go around dropping houses on people my pretty," she crowed and, in a puff of red smoke, disappeared.

"Jack, my house!" Dorothy grabbed his arm.

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Stop him."

Jack stared at her incredulously.

"How the Hell am I supposed to stop a _giant_ from stealing your house, that _you_ dropped on his mom?"

"Well…" he had a point. "I don't know. You're a boy. You're supposed to help me."

Jack slapped his knees and laughed. He kept laughing until he realized that Glinda and Dorothy were both staring at him.

"What?"

"We have to get my house back," Dorothy whined.

"How?"

"The Wizard!" Glinda exclaimed. At their clueless looks she explained further, "He's the ruler of all Oz. He'll know what to do. Go see him."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: sorry it's taken me so long to post this. I'm out of school now, so I have more time to write, but not as much to be on the computer and post stuff. And then the website wouldn't let me post anything. Also, thank you everyone who's sent in reviews, I hope you like this chapter. Also if Jack and Dorothy's perception of the munchkins offends anyone, I apologize. I don't hold their views at all, but I felt like it was how the characters would react. **

"Oz? I don't remember learning about that in geography," Dorothy turned to Glinda. "Won't the Wizard be awfully busy if he's the ruler?"

"I'm sure he could make time for you," Glinda smiled and walked over to Jack. "After all, the you came such a long way." She ran a finger down his sleeve. "And I'm sure there's room at my house if it takes…oh a few days for the Wizard to see you."

Dorothy frowned while Jack shrugged somewhat helplessly and Glinda flirted.

"Well where is this Wizard?"

Slightly annoyed at having her attention taken away from Jack, Glinda whirled to face Dorothy, "In the Emerald City of course. Where else would he be?"

"How are we supposed to get there?"

"I suppose you'll have to walk," Glinda huffed. "After all it's not like I can carry all of you in my bubble. Munchkins? Oh where are you all?" She walked a ways from Jack and started poking the bushes with her wand. "The Wicked Witch and her Giant nephew are gone, you can all come out now."

Jack jumped a little when a bunch of kids started to emerge from the bushes. No, wait. They weren't kids. They had facial hair! They were miniature people! Jack had never seen anything like them. Slowly, more and more of the "Munchkins" as Glinda called them came into view, stepping out from house, under bridges, between buildings, and out of the surrounding shrubbery.

"Whoa," Jack muttered under his breath. "There's a ton of 'em."  
"These are the munchkins," Glinda turned to him. "They will help you begin your journey to the Emerald City. I'll go ahead of you and announce your presence to the Wizard, but don't worry. I'll be watching you while you travel. If you ever need anything, just call out and I'll come."

In a bold move, even for her, Glinda leaned over and kissed Jack. He stood in shock as a bubble formed around her and she began to float away. The munchkins giggled, bringing him back to reality.

"So, uh…should we go?" he turned to Dorothy who was glaring at the floating bubble.

" 'Scuse me Miss," one of the munchkins tugged on Dorothy's dress. "Is it true you killed the Witch?"

"Well, yes, but it was an accident."

While Dorothy thought the munchkins would be upset that she had killed someone, they seemed thrilled. Everyone started dancing around her and singing, _"Ding dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding dong the Wicked Witch is dead!"_ It was all rather inappropriate in Dorothy's mind. When the munchkins had toned down their merriment, she asked one of them how they might find their way to the Emerald City.

"Follow the yellow brick road," he croaked, pointing at the ground.

And indeed, between the feet of the munchkins Dorothy could see yellow bricks paving a path.

"Jack, look. It's almost like they're made of gold," Dorothy marveled.

"Whoa," he bent down and touched one of the bricks. "Wait a minute, I think they are made of gold."

While Jack was occupied trying to pry one of the bricks from the ground, another munchkin tugged on the hem of Dorothy's skirt. When she turned toward him, he held up the shoes that had been worn by the woman Dorothy's house had squashed.

"Oh, thank you, but it really wasn't very nice of you to steal."

Jack stared in wonder at the brick in his hands. If he just took a few of these back, his mother and he would be rich! Hearing Dorothy mention something about stealing, and thinking he had been caught, he turned around to see a munchkin hand Dorothy those gaudy shoes.

"She's talking about the shoes," he realized, and slipped the gold brick into his pocket. "Hey, well maybe we could just return them when we get your house back," he called as she slipped the shoes on.

"Um…" she obviously liked the shoes, though he hadn't the slightest idea why. "Okay, maybe we'll do that."

"So are we gonna go now?" he was getting impatient and the munchkins were creeping him out.

"Yes. Let's go."

The munchkins cleared a path for them as they walked over the golden bricks through the town. Everything was pink, blue, green or yellow, even the houses, and everything was miniature sized. Jack realized that he was even taller than some of the houses. They were out of the city within a few minutes, and Jack waited while Dorothy turned to wave to the munchkins who were bidding them farewell. Even if he hadn't found them creepy Jack couldn't have waved. One hand was shoved deep in his pocket guarding his golden brick, and the other was weighed down my Toto's death grip on his wrist.


End file.
